The end is the beginning is the end.

December 31st, 2005

So, here it is kids, seventeen minutes to go.

Unfortunately I didn’t win tonight’s four million dollar lottery. Wouldn’t that have been funny.

So it seems, unless something ridiculous happens in the next ten minutes, that I’m going to end up $994,321.90 short. However, I did make $5678.10 through all this.

I set out to change my life. I set out to question what the hell money is and what it does. I set out to find out what other people thought about all this. I set out to prove that there was something to be learned by looking at all this closely.

After press on four continents, a bunch of television appearances, talking to endless numbers of people, mountains of hate mail and even bigger mountains of mail from people telling me that they’re with me, I can safely say that, dear reader, I don’t have any answers, that I think all a process like this is meant to do is create more questions, but I never offered any answers in the first place.

What I do have is hundreds of hours of tape and countless thousands of typed words and a great big pile of press documenting what this project has done. The reactions have been polarized and extreme, which means that there’s something here, something that fucks with people’s world view, something that doesn’t want to be disturbed.

It’s been difficult, the past week, not to constantly look back and look at all the things I could have done differently, but there’s no way to tell if I would be at the same conclusion regardless.

I have so many people to thank for making this entire journey worthwhile and amazing, so many that I will definitely forget some, but I do want to say that Jones Soda has been consistently amazing and inspiring. GoldenPalace.com took a chance on me when this was in the early stages. Everyone who has sent me hate mail. Everyone who has sent me positive or constructive feedback. Everyone who put me up on the road trip. Jeff for holding the camera. My long-suffering boyfriend for putting up with me. My friends. My family for not disowning me. Every single person who taught me something I couldn’t have learned on my own. Every single person who has been a source of inspiration and hilarity who are too numerous to mention but too vitally important not to.

There’s six minutes to go. In 2006 I will be doing a video blog, weekly, of short films one minute and eleven seconds long. You’ll be able to find them at www.disastrid.net, which is going to be launched next week. Look for me there.

Keep in touch, kids. Thanks, it’s been fun.

I can’t believe it’s over.

The end is the beginning is the end. — Billy Corgan

Go big or go home.

December 31st, 2005

Decided to go all out on the last Friday night lottery drawing of the year and buy ten tickets.

I’ve won nothing on these tickets all year. Tonight I won three free plays and twenty bucks for matching four out of seven numbers and three out of seven plus the bonus.

And I’m planning on putting that all back into tickets tomorrow - sure I have stuff I could buy with that money but it’s the ELEVENTH HOUR and the worm is beginning to turn. It’s time to ramp it up, go big or go home.

By the way, I’m going to be on CBC Radio on Monday, on Here and Now to discuss this project. It’s on between 3 and 6pm, but I don’t find out when exactly I’m on until Monday morning, but I’ll let you know.

Lasts.

December 30th, 2005

I’ve been cleaning a house once a week for the past few months. It’s been good film footage and forty bucks a week. It’s sad that it’s over.

This week is a lot of “lasts” - last this, last that. People keep asking me what I’m doing for new years. As soon as the clock ticks over to 06, I can assure you I’ll be doing at least one thing, and that is drinking.

Think I’ll buy me a football team.

December 29th, 2005

Went out for drinks tonight with two people I don’t see very often. One handed me $25 at one point and said “I didn’t want to send this over PayPal, but I’ve been following everything and I really think what you’ve done is amazing.”

And that’s cool. Because some days I feel like I’m putting my arms around the world and other days I feel like I’m some silent blip that hasn’t affected anything. And it’s nice to know that some of this has met its target, often in unexpected ways.

I dreamed last night that I won $100,000. No numbers came up on the lottery today, however. Boo.

Last lottery drawing of the year is this Friday. Do I buy the traditional one ticket or do I do something ridiculous like buy, say, ten? I dunno. I’ll see how the mood strikes me. I’ll have to film that.

You’ve got two seconds in the burning white light.

December 27th, 2005

I’ve been having a really, really good time lately.

You know, sometimes I think that I should be running in the streets getting money, selling lemonade in the freezing cold, whatever. But I’ve done all that. It’s always been the tradition of this project that when circumstances say zig I choose to zag, and it’s worked so far (trust me), so instead of climbing some sky scraper a la human fly as a PR stunt as people keep telling me I should, I’m letting this all be a long, slow, pleasant descent.

Because above all, this process is beautiful and amazing, but it’s been INCREDIBLY EXHASUTING, so I’m taking a different approach, which is one of calm.

Imagine that.

And yes, I’m enjoying it.

I’ve gotten a lot of feedback and I’ve been talking a lot about what I’ve done and am doing, and it’s given me a lot of perspective.

Although the thought of ONLY FOUR DAYS LEFT really scares me.

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you where to find me. And I’ll probably still be updating.

X-Mess.

December 25th, 2005

It’s That TIme Of Year.

I noticed about a month ago that the dancing Santas were out on Yonge Street; the life-sized creepy-ass Santas that dance and wave to tinny recorded music. Last year they were snowmen. I can’t help but roll around and around in my head the logistics of these ridiculous things - someone had to conceive of, design, manufacture, market, sell and transport these dumbass things, and whoever that person is is probably a jillionaire. For coming up with absolutely ridiculous holiday crap that lines Yonge Street. Amazing really.

It’s the unlikely ideas that are the ones that seem to take off; I think a lot about the dude who invented those giant bows that go on top of new cars.

It’s technically Christmas Day although since I haven’t slept yet it’s still Christmas Eve (my blog, my rules, deal). I don’t really celebrate Christmas per se, more just “day to see people, drink lots, eat food, and sit around”, but even so I feel this PRESSURE to buy things for Loved Ones lest they decide to hate me.

And I know that nothing I can get would make them change their opinions any, and anything I get them is probably going to be useless crap anyway, but the symbol is so important.

So much of money is just symbols, just a signifier to indicate something else. Leasing a flash car because it makes it look like you can afford it. Splashing out on elaborate gifts to prove how much you love people. Wearing designer clothes to an event to impress people only to put the tags back on and returning them the next day. Amazing really, all this caught up in a grand illusion.

Not that I’m sure lots of people buy their loved ones excellent, appropriate and beautiful gifts … I guess it just feels so empty really.

There’s six days left in this process.

I have no idea how I feel about that.

I hope today you feel at least a shred of love and glad tidings, whether it’s over a Christmas turkey or over the Festivus Feats Of Strength.